Mothersday thoughts

So that's a wrap on my second Mothersday as a mom. We decided to take Ben to the Aquarium for the first time followed by lunch and milkshakes at the Fire and Ice hotel. I've been wanting to take Ben to the aquarium for so long and what better day than Mothersday. When we got to the very first tank with all the brightly coloured fish husband quickly ran off to the bathroom and Ben and I had a few minutes alone. As I stood there with my tiny person in my arms watching his face light up as he excitedly pointed at the pretty blue 'Dory' fish I suddenly got so emotional. For a minute I could not actually believe I am mom on Mothersday. I could not believe how much I love this tiny perfect person. I was just feeling so thankful and so very lucky.

I have a little confession. The night Ben was born and they showed him to me the first thought that popped into my head was "I can't decide if he's pretty or not" I looked at him and it wasn't a face I recognized. There was no immediate overwhelming bonding feeling. I did not experience that 'love at first sight' moment most moms talk about. My head was just so busy processing it all. After all the wait and all the "I wonder what he'll look like? Will he have your nose and my lips" conversations he was suddenly here right in front of me.

Don't get me wrong I liked him. I liked him a lot. When I held him in my arms there was wonderment and I had that butterfly's in tummy feeling. I could not stop looking at him. Was this tiny person really mine. But love? I just didn't know him well enough yet to be using that word. It was like the first bit of a very promising relationship. You know this could be something amazing, you really really like him but its just too soon to be using the word love.

And so we went home. And we got to know each other a bit better. And I became very attached to this little person. I could stare at him for hours. I wanted to be around him all the time. I missed him when he was sleeping. But love... Was this the huge crazy love everyone was talking about.... I just wasn't sure...  And then I started to stress about it. How will I know if we bonded properly. How will I know when I love him. I was just so stressed.

There was never this huge light bulb moment where I was like "Okay wow, I feel it now. Yes its definitely love"" No, it was something that just happened. I just woke up one morning and the doubt was gone.

Now its difficult for me to remember a time I did not love him. I try to think back to those first few days of  struggling to figure out my emotions and doubting my love for him but I cant because it feels like I've been loving him forever. I love him so much that sometimes I'm a little scared my heart won't be able to handle all the love. You will never really truly get the whole 'I'll take a bullet for you' thing until you become a parent. I will take a bullet, a train, a lightning bolt for him. I'll fight a lion without giving it a second though.

Loving someone that much is a little scary but also so flippin fantastic.

To my most amazing mom: Hope you had the best Mothersday. Thanks for loving me this much. Then to my Ben: Thanks for letting me kiss and hug you about a million times a day. Thanks for all the smiles that make every day so damn special. I am ridiculously excited to be your mom.

Hope you all had the best mothersday!

Easter, Family and a quick catch up.

From about mid March I've been eating, sleeping, breathing Easter weekend. I could not wait for the long weekend to arrive. I needed a break, a bit of time to relax, time with the family. It was the in-laws turn to get us for Easter and husbands older brother and his family who live in the UK is visiting so everyone was extra excited. They have a little girl aged 4 and a little boy turning 2 in May. The last time the cousins were all together Ben was only 4 months old.

Things started off a little rocky. Ben was terribly shy at first and David was not keen on sharing toys but after a good nights sleep they woke up the next morning ready to play. There were lots of climbing, racing, pointing and giggling. They were just ridiculously cute together.

I really am enjoying this age. Sure there's tantrums and Ben can go from happy to awfully upset within seconds but there's also a million laughs. He is such a character and has the best sense of humour. He loves to entertain and he smiles all the time. He has amazing ball skills and loves to kick the ball around. He is obsessed with cars or 'Ka' as he calls them and has major bike skills. He takes a corner on 2 wheels just about tipping over often making me jump up thinking he's about to crash, but he never does. He roars like a lion, applauds the loudest when he does something awesome and loves, loves, LOVES chocolate. He would pop the entire Easter eggs into his mouth and it was terribly funny watching him try eat the whole thing at once.

His laugh is infectious and I adore the effect he has on other people. You cant help but be happy when around him.

I cannot believe we are already in Autumn. It was very evident over Easter weekend as we pulled on the wintery PJ's and often needed a jersey in the morning. I am a summer person and get terribly depressed during the long winter months. I hate the darkness, the grey, the pale skin. Luckily we had a nice sunny day over the weekend to enjoy a bit of beach time.

April means its my last month at the current job. I cannot believe I am almost at the end. That first month was so difficult. I'd often drive home from work and thought of just not showing up the next day. I had to learn so much in a very short amount of time. A lot was expected of me and although at the time I thought they were going to break me I actually survived. I feel a lot more confident in myself knowing I climbed this mountain and although I wanted to quit many times I didn't.

I've also been eating much healthier lately (except for easter weekend of course) and have lost 5kg's since I started end of February. My skin looks better, my clothes fit again and I don't feel a 100 years old anymore. I've been able to put a bit of cash into my credit card clearing up some unwanted debt and husband received a very nice bonus so after a few very hard months we are doing so much better. I'm happy. And I say that not with a "but are you really?" as an afterthough like I did a while back  I really am feeling okay with life.

We speak the same language

One of my favourite bloggers and fellow mama Cass did such a cool post over on her blog Miss Cass Lee called "You know your a mom when..." I could totally relate to all of it, especially the scoop poop out of the bath bit. I'll never forget the first time it happened (yes it has happened more than once). I was just so mortified.

I loved her post so much I just had to do my own little list.

You Know your a mom...

When you smell the butt of a tiny person during a conversation or in a public place like its the most normal thing to do.

When the appearance of a tooth gets a Wimbledon win like applause.

When you and the husband quote phrases from the tiny persons favourite movie in adult conversation.

When a runny nose catches you off guard with not a tissue in sight and you end up wiping it with the bottom of your dress.

When you are still listening to the nursery rhyme’s CD 15 minutes after you’ve dropped your kid off at school.

When the bottom of all your sliding doors are covered in tiny Peanut butter hand prints.

When the fact that you are spending your Saturday morning in Toys R Us rather than wine tasting with your friends doesn't bother you one bit.

When your husband asks you where the Marmite/pasta/cereal is and you answer “In the Flings Cupboard”

When you spend 20 minutes talking to total strangers in Woolworths because they have a little boy the same age as yours.

When you become a parent you belong to this huge community of people who all speak the same language. You can be total strangers but you will always have something in common. And that's just fabulous.

Moms and Social Media

When I found out I was pregnant most of my friends were either single or getting engaged, and I could count on my one hand the amount of babies I've held in my arms before. I knew nothing. I had no close friends to ask for advice or share the experience with.

Luckily a Twitter friend announced her pregnancy a few weeks after mine and through her I linked up with a few other young first time moms to be till I eventually gathered a nice little possy. Together we shared scans, baby shopping, the amount of chocolate we ate, not being able to sleep and where to buy comfy stretch pants.

One by one we had our babies and shared the excitement as they made their Twitter and Instagram debuts. Together we struggled through breastfeeding, extreme exhaustion and post pregnancy hormones. These girls were my people. They guided me through that first few months of the unknown. Sitting on the rocking chair in the nursery during the freezing hours of winter nights breastfeeding my baby there would always be one of them on Twitter to keep me company. Together we celebrate milestones, together we suffer through teething. They are always there for advice or a quick pep talk.

Most of these girls I have never seen in 'real' life. I only know them from social media. So when the invite for a Mommy Blogger Meetup arrived and I saw some of them would be attending I was beyond excited. Cindy Alfino is the master mind behind the CTmeetups and she does such a great job at organizing them. The meetup was hosted by Graze Restaurant in Kenilworth and it was such a perfect venue with amazing food. Their kids menu is also pretty awesome.

Nikki Lincoln a fellow mom, blogger and digital food editor at Woolworths did a great talk on blogging and the tools all bloggers should be using. And then there was the goodie bags. Such an amazing bonus to what was already a pretty perfect morning.

Stationery sponsored by Gumtree

 

Mr Price fashion went above and beyond by sponsoring each mom with a beautifully wrapped gift as well as a voucher to spend online. I also got a R250 voucher to give away, but more on that later.

 

Ben's MR Price gift. Love that bowtie.

 

It really was so great to have a face to face chat with these awesome girls who have shared so much of this amazing motherhood wild ride with me. I really do appreciate all your support and kind words. Also how did mothers survive before social media.

 

*Thanks also to Wakaberry, Kin Shop, Oh So Heavenly, Ella's kitchen, Reusable Pouches, Tangled Tree, Baby Group, Optiphi, Wellness Warehouse, Almay, Mitchum, Beatiful Earth, Adventure Bootcamp and Galileo Cinema for contributing to the amazing goodie bag. You guys Rock!



Slow it down.

I am currently somewhere between a quarter life crisis and a midlife crisis. In between happy and depressed. Not depressed enough to go on medication and not happy enough to caption Instagram pics with  ‘living my best life’

Ever since becoming a mom I have become extremely aware of time. How quickly it passes us by, how little of it we have. My mom recently told me I should be more positive about life because these are the best years of my life. Well that’s exactly it. I KNOW these are the best years of my life yet I feel like I’m wasting them on a ‘lets just get through this day’ mentality.  Wasting them on jobs I hate.  Wasting them at home doing the same thing over and over again because there’s no money for adventures and exploring.  I keep waiting for my life to start when it has started a long time ago. I’m living my life, this is it

And then I feel guilty. Because how dare I feel sad and miserable when I have good health, a family that loves me and the sweetest most amazing little boy who fills my every day with cheeky grins and giggles. I feel guilty because if I’m unhappy with my career I should be doing something about it. I feel guilty because my parents put so much money into my education and I feel like I’m letting them down when all I want is to make them proud. I feel guilty because I keep bitching and moaning about a holiday, this while my parents and parents in law both have amazing beach houses in gorgeous locations that we regularly visit. But my soul needs the excitement of searching holiday destinations online, booking accommodation, packing the suitcase and going to bed knowing soon you will be discovering a new place. I feel guilty for resenting my husband because he couldnt afford to spoil me with fancy jewellery when Ben was born or on my first mothersday like all the other new moms on Instagram, this while he works so hard to pay all our bills every month and make sure we have what we need.

I feel guilty because I wake up every Monday hoping the week will go by quickly so we can get to the weekend when I know I should NEVER EVER wish away time.

And then the biggest one of all: I feel guilty because the most important thing in my life is my little boy and I only get afternoons and weekends with him. And then I’m usually too exhausted to give him all of me. I'm just so scared of not having enough time with him.

I saw this on Instagram recently and it struck a cord. Sorry I cant for the life of me remember who posted it.

 

I am just so scared of someday having a broken heart because I've realised I've wasted my youth.

 

Holidays are best!

It's the end of January (already) and 2015 is leaving us with little time to stop and smell the roses. The holidays feel like it was ages ago. That feeling of being well rested, tanned and healthy sure didn't hang around for very long.

So what did we get up to during the holidays...

December is without a doubt my favourite time of year. I love the Christmas holidays. The way everyone has a little spring in their step as they countdown the days to freedom. Christmas music, fairy lights, hot summer days spent at the beach.

To me December holidays is a time to let go and just be. My rule is no hair dryer no make up. Barefoot, no jewellery, not even my wedding ring. This year it took me a little longer to get in that carefree frame of mind as I started a new job a few weeks before the holidays and it weighed heavy on me. I really battled with my new responsibilities and workload. But I soon realised that I was ruining what was suppose to be fun times with my family stressing over something I can do nothing about. So I just let go and ended up having the best time.

We always split December holidays between the families. One year we'll do Christmas with my family and New Year at the inlaws and vice versa.

This year we had Christmas with the in laws on the West - Coast.

I use to love Christmas eve and all the excitement that came with putting on Santa hats and gathering around the tree to open presents. But there came a point where Christmas lost a bit of its magic. I started seeing Christmas the way most grown ups do. But that's the great thing about having kids, they renew your enthusiasm and appreciation for special days. I absolutely loved watching my little guy running around pointing at gifts, the tree, lights and entertaining all the guests with his antics. I loved the look on his face as Santa handed him his gifts and how he'd clap  after opening each and every gift.

 

 

Next up was Christmas number 2 and New Year with my parents in Malgas on the Breede River. We had a bit of bad weather at first but New Years day was just gorgeous sunny and hot.

 

 

How awesome is this chrissy gift.

 

We returned home on the 3rd of January and I started work on the 7th.  My motto for the year being 'just take it easy' Work is work.  I will not let myself get so incredibly stressed to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out. If its not done by the end of the work day it will have to wait till tomorrow. Family first. And so far it has made such a difference. I no longer dread going to work. I no longer feel like I'm drowning. When I get overwhelmed by something I get up go make some coffee and remind myself its just work. So one month into the new year and things are going okay. 

 

Bye 2014, Hello 2015

'The past couple of weeks I've been reading a lot of  'My year in review' post from some of my favourite bloggers. So many amazing things got listed. This made me think about my own year...

How to describe my year? I survived.

2014 was definitely a roller coaster ride. There were many highs but unfortunately also many lows. I laughed till eye cried and then there were days where I just cried. Ben turning one was definitely a very big high. Moving into a bigger house was a high (but moving from the town we love and have lived in for over 6 years to a new area was a low). Brother getting married a high. Best friend announcing her pregnancy a high. But then turning 32 a low. Getting the phone call telling me I got the job and having to go back to work after 7 months of being with Ben all day every day; a low. Going back to work caused quite a few weeks of feeling hopeless and depressed. Tears for days. I felt incredibly trapped in circumstances I could do nothing about. Its still something I cannot deal with. In November I started a new job and so far its not going great. Its an extremely stressful  position and I am not one to deal well with stress. This job is the main cause for my lack of 2015 enthusiasm. But hopefully this will change ass I settle in.

It has also been an incredibly tough financial year. Its hard not to turn into a mean jealous and bitter person when everyone around you is spending money buying cars, houses, diamond rings and overseas holidays and you are barely making it from paycheque to paycheque. I hate how it has changed me. I've been so negative, resentful, stressed and short tempered.  But I'm also incredibly thankful for what I do have. I know if I had to choose between money and my little boy it would be the easiest decision ever. I'm incredibly lucky to have a supportive family and a husband who is working his ass off to get us out of this situation.

A while back I read a quote by Roseanne Barr "As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job" This pretty much sums up my achievements for the year. NO I didn't excel in a career. I'm no girlboss. But I did my 'job'. I kept my little person happy and healthy. And I did a damn fine job. Now I was recently told that life isn't just about kids. And for some people that might be true. But I'm 100% Mom. I eat, breathe, sleep being a Mom. Its what I live for. It makes me happy.

I'm a mom on Mothersday!

I am beyond excited for my first Mothersday. Being a mom, what an amazing privilege. I am thankful for this gift every day, even when so tired that brushing my teeth is an activity that totally overwhelms me.

On this special day I would like to thank my baby boy, for he has taught me so much in his short 8 month old life that it completely blows my mind.

He frequently forces me to stop and take a second to appreciate something I would otherwise not have given a second thought to. Like the total amazement on his face as he watches the leaves on the tree blow in the wind. How he marvels at everyday mundane things like the good old washing machine. We are so stressed and rushed ALL THE TIME. Trying to get a million things done, feeling guilty when taking it easy. I love how Ben gets me to let go, making me forget about the huge To Do list as we just sit together and giggle.

 
I love how he keeps on reminding me of how great God is. As each new milestone is reached he just proves what an amazing miracle we are. How expertly we were put together.

I love how he has changed my relationship with my own parents. I have always been thankful for everything they have done for me, but you can only understand HOW MUCH they did for you once you become a parent yourself. You now understand all the worry, all the rushing to the doctor, all the tiredness, the overwhelming feeling off wanting to keep this little person safe no matter what it costs you.

I love how Ben has opened my eyes to how much my parents love me, not that I ever doubted their love, but when I look at my little boy and my heart wants to explode, knowing there are two people who feel the exact same way about me is just flipping amazing.

On this Mothersday I want to tell my mom. I get it. I fully understand you now. And my love for you is the biggest kind of love there is.