Slow it down.

I am currently somewhere between a quarter life crisis and a midlife crisis. In between happy and depressed. Not depressed enough to go on medication and not happy enough to caption Instagram pics with  ‘living my best life’

Ever since becoming a mom I have become extremely aware of time. How quickly it passes us by, how little of it we have. My mom recently told me I should be more positive about life because these are the best years of my life. Well that’s exactly it. I KNOW these are the best years of my life yet I feel like I’m wasting them on a ‘lets just get through this day’ mentality.  Wasting them on jobs I hate.  Wasting them at home doing the same thing over and over again because there’s no money for adventures and exploring.  I keep waiting for my life to start when it has started a long time ago. I’m living my life, this is it

And then I feel guilty. Because how dare I feel sad and miserable when I have good health, a family that loves me and the sweetest most amazing little boy who fills my every day with cheeky grins and giggles. I feel guilty because if I’m unhappy with my career I should be doing something about it. I feel guilty because my parents put so much money into my education and I feel like I’m letting them down when all I want is to make them proud. I feel guilty because I keep bitching and moaning about a holiday, this while my parents and parents in law both have amazing beach houses in gorgeous locations that we regularly visit. But my soul needs the excitement of searching holiday destinations online, booking accommodation, packing the suitcase and going to bed knowing soon you will be discovering a new place. I feel guilty for resenting my husband because he couldnt afford to spoil me with fancy jewellery when Ben was born or on my first mothersday like all the other new moms on Instagram, this while he works so hard to pay all our bills every month and make sure we have what we need.

I feel guilty because I wake up every Monday hoping the week will go by quickly so we can get to the weekend when I know I should NEVER EVER wish away time.

And then the biggest one of all: I feel guilty because the most important thing in my life is my little boy and I only get afternoons and weekends with him. And then I’m usually too exhausted to give him all of me. I'm just so scared of not having enough time with him.

I saw this on Instagram recently and it struck a cord. Sorry I cant for the life of me remember who posted it.

 

I am just so scared of someday having a broken heart because I've realised I've wasted my youth.

 

I'm a mom on Mothersday!

I am beyond excited for my first Mothersday. Being a mom, what an amazing privilege. I am thankful for this gift every day, even when so tired that brushing my teeth is an activity that totally overwhelms me.

On this special day I would like to thank my baby boy, for he has taught me so much in his short 8 month old life that it completely blows my mind.

He frequently forces me to stop and take a second to appreciate something I would otherwise not have given a second thought to. Like the total amazement on his face as he watches the leaves on the tree blow in the wind. How he marvels at everyday mundane things like the good old washing machine. We are so stressed and rushed ALL THE TIME. Trying to get a million things done, feeling guilty when taking it easy. I love how Ben gets me to let go, making me forget about the huge To Do list as we just sit together and giggle.

 
I love how he keeps on reminding me of how great God is. As each new milestone is reached he just proves what an amazing miracle we are. How expertly we were put together.

I love how he has changed my relationship with my own parents. I have always been thankful for everything they have done for me, but you can only understand HOW MUCH they did for you once you become a parent yourself. You now understand all the worry, all the rushing to the doctor, all the tiredness, the overwhelming feeling off wanting to keep this little person safe no matter what it costs you.

I love how Ben has opened my eyes to how much my parents love me, not that I ever doubted their love, but when I look at my little boy and my heart wants to explode, knowing there are two people who feel the exact same way about me is just flipping amazing.

On this Mothersday I want to tell my mom. I get it. I fully understand you now. And my love for you is the biggest kind of love there is.