Mothersday thoughts

So that's a wrap on my second Mothersday as a mom. We decided to take Ben to the Aquarium for the first time followed by lunch and milkshakes at the Fire and Ice hotel. I've been wanting to take Ben to the aquarium for so long and what better day than Mothersday. When we got to the very first tank with all the brightly coloured fish husband quickly ran off to the bathroom and Ben and I had a few minutes alone. As I stood there with my tiny person in my arms watching his face light up as he excitedly pointed at the pretty blue 'Dory' fish I suddenly got so emotional. For a minute I could not actually believe I am mom on Mothersday. I could not believe how much I love this tiny perfect person. I was just feeling so thankful and so very lucky.

I have a little confession. The night Ben was born and they showed him to me the first thought that popped into my head was "I can't decide if he's pretty or not" I looked at him and it wasn't a face I recognized. There was no immediate overwhelming bonding feeling. I did not experience that 'love at first sight' moment most moms talk about. My head was just so busy processing it all. After all the wait and all the "I wonder what he'll look like? Will he have your nose and my lips" conversations he was suddenly here right in front of me.

Don't get me wrong I liked him. I liked him a lot. When I held him in my arms there was wonderment and I had that butterfly's in tummy feeling. I could not stop looking at him. Was this tiny person really mine. But love? I just didn't know him well enough yet to be using that word. It was like the first bit of a very promising relationship. You know this could be something amazing, you really really like him but its just too soon to be using the word love.

And so we went home. And we got to know each other a bit better. And I became very attached to this little person. I could stare at him for hours. I wanted to be around him all the time. I missed him when he was sleeping. But love... Was this the huge crazy love everyone was talking about.... I just wasn't sure...  And then I started to stress about it. How will I know if we bonded properly. How will I know when I love him. I was just so stressed.

There was never this huge light bulb moment where I was like "Okay wow, I feel it now. Yes its definitely love"" No, it was something that just happened. I just woke up one morning and the doubt was gone.

Now its difficult for me to remember a time I did not love him. I try to think back to those first few days of  struggling to figure out my emotions and doubting my love for him but I cant because it feels like I've been loving him forever. I love him so much that sometimes I'm a little scared my heart won't be able to handle all the love. You will never really truly get the whole 'I'll take a bullet for you' thing until you become a parent. I will take a bullet, a train, a lightning bolt for him. I'll fight a lion without giving it a second though.

Loving someone that much is a little scary but also so flippin fantastic.

To my most amazing mom: Hope you had the best Mothersday. Thanks for loving me this much. Then to my Ben: Thanks for letting me kiss and hug you about a million times a day. Thanks for all the smiles that make every day so damn special. I am ridiculously excited to be your mom.

Hope you all had the best mothersday!

Moms and Social Media

When I found out I was pregnant most of my friends were either single or getting engaged, and I could count on my one hand the amount of babies I've held in my arms before. I knew nothing. I had no close friends to ask for advice or share the experience with.

Luckily a Twitter friend announced her pregnancy a few weeks after mine and through her I linked up with a few other young first time moms to be till I eventually gathered a nice little possy. Together we shared scans, baby shopping, the amount of chocolate we ate, not being able to sleep and where to buy comfy stretch pants.

One by one we had our babies and shared the excitement as they made their Twitter and Instagram debuts. Together we struggled through breastfeeding, extreme exhaustion and post pregnancy hormones. These girls were my people. They guided me through that first few months of the unknown. Sitting on the rocking chair in the nursery during the freezing hours of winter nights breastfeeding my baby there would always be one of them on Twitter to keep me company. Together we celebrate milestones, together we suffer through teething. They are always there for advice or a quick pep talk.

Most of these girls I have never seen in 'real' life. I only know them from social media. So when the invite for a Mommy Blogger Meetup arrived and I saw some of them would be attending I was beyond excited. Cindy Alfino is the master mind behind the CTmeetups and she does such a great job at organizing them. The meetup was hosted by Graze Restaurant in Kenilworth and it was such a perfect venue with amazing food. Their kids menu is also pretty awesome.

Nikki Lincoln a fellow mom, blogger and digital food editor at Woolworths did a great talk on blogging and the tools all bloggers should be using. And then there was the goodie bags. Such an amazing bonus to what was already a pretty perfect morning.

Stationery sponsored by Gumtree

 

Mr Price fashion went above and beyond by sponsoring each mom with a beautifully wrapped gift as well as a voucher to spend online. I also got a R250 voucher to give away, but more on that later.

 

Ben's MR Price gift. Love that bowtie.

 

It really was so great to have a face to face chat with these awesome girls who have shared so much of this amazing motherhood wild ride with me. I really do appreciate all your support and kind words. Also how did mothers survive before social media.

 

*Thanks also to Wakaberry, Kin Shop, Oh So Heavenly, Ella's kitchen, Reusable Pouches, Tangled Tree, Baby Group, Optiphi, Wellness Warehouse, Almay, Mitchum, Beatiful Earth, Adventure Bootcamp and Galileo Cinema for contributing to the amazing goodie bag. You guys Rock!



Slow it down.

I am currently somewhere between a quarter life crisis and a midlife crisis. In between happy and depressed. Not depressed enough to go on medication and not happy enough to caption Instagram pics with  ‘living my best life’

Ever since becoming a mom I have become extremely aware of time. How quickly it passes us by, how little of it we have. My mom recently told me I should be more positive about life because these are the best years of my life. Well that’s exactly it. I KNOW these are the best years of my life yet I feel like I’m wasting them on a ‘lets just get through this day’ mentality.  Wasting them on jobs I hate.  Wasting them at home doing the same thing over and over again because there’s no money for adventures and exploring.  I keep waiting for my life to start when it has started a long time ago. I’m living my life, this is it

And then I feel guilty. Because how dare I feel sad and miserable when I have good health, a family that loves me and the sweetest most amazing little boy who fills my every day with cheeky grins and giggles. I feel guilty because if I’m unhappy with my career I should be doing something about it. I feel guilty because my parents put so much money into my education and I feel like I’m letting them down when all I want is to make them proud. I feel guilty because I keep bitching and moaning about a holiday, this while my parents and parents in law both have amazing beach houses in gorgeous locations that we regularly visit. But my soul needs the excitement of searching holiday destinations online, booking accommodation, packing the suitcase and going to bed knowing soon you will be discovering a new place. I feel guilty for resenting my husband because he couldnt afford to spoil me with fancy jewellery when Ben was born or on my first mothersday like all the other new moms on Instagram, this while he works so hard to pay all our bills every month and make sure we have what we need.

I feel guilty because I wake up every Monday hoping the week will go by quickly so we can get to the weekend when I know I should NEVER EVER wish away time.

And then the biggest one of all: I feel guilty because the most important thing in my life is my little boy and I only get afternoons and weekends with him. And then I’m usually too exhausted to give him all of me. I'm just so scared of not having enough time with him.

I saw this on Instagram recently and it struck a cord. Sorry I cant for the life of me remember who posted it.

 

I am just so scared of someday having a broken heart because I've realised I've wasted my youth.

 

Pram envy

If you asked me a couple of years ago my thoughts on a pram I would have shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes because who cares about prams and aren't they all pretty much the same.

Even when I found out I was pregnant I wasn't still very much indifferent. Spend R10 000 on a pram? Are you nuts?

I was about 18 months pregnant when my parents invited us out to do pram shopping. I did no research before hand. My mom knew a few young moms and aske them what they have and where to shop from. Babyboom was having a sale on the brand that my mom was told is a good option so what better time to shop. We only looked at the one pram. Since my parents were buying I didn't feel like I was entitled to boss them around from store to store looking at a million different types. I didn't want to seem like I was taking advantage of their generosity. I was just happy to tick pram from my baby shopping list, a very long list that scared the crap out of me. The suggested pram was very well priced, it looked sturdy and according to all the moms who lived on farms it handled gravel roads like a charm. Gravel roads you ask? Well at the time we were living on an estate with gravel roads snaked throughout the property. There were also vineyards nearby. We knew we wanted something that could handle afternoon walks up the hill and between the vineyards. Never did it cross my mind that I would also be doing narrow spaced shop aisles and have to cart it around in my tiny boot space.

Oh how things have changed since then.

Pram envy is a very real emotion. Its right up there with body envy and vacation envy. And I've got a bad case of it. I now walk around shopping malls and markets staring at moms with prams. Where I would usually notice a women's outfit I now first notice the pram, then the baby then the mom. I suspect my very obvious pram envy stare have now reached the point of complete awkwardness for all parties involved.

Although our pram does the job of carting our tiny person around just fine I do regret not looking at more options before buying.

What I want in a Pram:

• Must not be too bulky. Folds up easily without having to take the whole thing apart.
• Sleek & modern design.
• Must be rear and front facing (something our current pram is not)
• Have a cupholder for mom's coffee/drink.
• Easily adapts to every age, newborn to toddler

The wishlist:

The Bugaboo Chameleon

I've only heard good things about this one from fellow moms. But it is WAY out of my budget. I've been trolling Gumtree for a while now and there are some pretty sweet deals on there.

List of awesomeness includes: Reversible seat, adjustable suspension, car seat compatible, reversible height and adjustable handlebars, rotating carry handle, independent seat and bassinet, can handle rough terrain and shopping malls with easy maneuverability.

pic credit

And even though I have a boy how can you not fall in love with this pink one.

Pic credit

Bugaboo Buffalo

I noticed a mom walking around with a Buffalo at the recent Kamers Vol Geskenke and immediately fell in love. Definitely my second choice although I have heard that it is rather bulky and difficult to fit in the boot of a small car.

Read more on their website here

So I'm dead set on saving a little money each month and then getting a well looked after second hand Bugaboo. Probably the Chameleon. Wish me luck.

Holidays are best!

It's the end of January (already) and 2015 is leaving us with little time to stop and smell the roses. The holidays feel like it was ages ago. That feeling of being well rested, tanned and healthy sure didn't hang around for very long.

So what did we get up to during the holidays...

December is without a doubt my favourite time of year. I love the Christmas holidays. The way everyone has a little spring in their step as they countdown the days to freedom. Christmas music, fairy lights, hot summer days spent at the beach.

To me December holidays is a time to let go and just be. My rule is no hair dryer no make up. Barefoot, no jewellery, not even my wedding ring. This year it took me a little longer to get in that carefree frame of mind as I started a new job a few weeks before the holidays and it weighed heavy on me. I really battled with my new responsibilities and workload. But I soon realised that I was ruining what was suppose to be fun times with my family stressing over something I can do nothing about. So I just let go and ended up having the best time.

We always split December holidays between the families. One year we'll do Christmas with my family and New Year at the inlaws and vice versa.

This year we had Christmas with the in laws on the West - Coast.

I use to love Christmas eve and all the excitement that came with putting on Santa hats and gathering around the tree to open presents. But there came a point where Christmas lost a bit of its magic. I started seeing Christmas the way most grown ups do. But that's the great thing about having kids, they renew your enthusiasm and appreciation for special days. I absolutely loved watching my little guy running around pointing at gifts, the tree, lights and entertaining all the guests with his antics. I loved the look on his face as Santa handed him his gifts and how he'd clap  after opening each and every gift.

 

 

Next up was Christmas number 2 and New Year with my parents in Malgas on the Breede River. We had a bit of bad weather at first but New Years day was just gorgeous sunny and hot.

 

 

How awesome is this chrissy gift.

 

We returned home on the 3rd of January and I started work on the 7th.  My motto for the year being 'just take it easy' Work is work.  I will not let myself get so incredibly stressed to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out. If its not done by the end of the work day it will have to wait till tomorrow. Family first. And so far it has made such a difference. I no longer dread going to work. I no longer feel like I'm drowning. When I get overwhelmed by something I get up go make some coffee and remind myself its just work. So one month into the new year and things are going okay. 

 

Lion King Party DIY

I am lucky enough to have the most creative, talented, DIY queen of a mother. I have an idea, I tell her and she makes it. Usually 10 times better than what I had in mind. Ben's first Birthday party was no exception. 

Here are some of the amazing things my mom made for the party.

Screen printed Lion cushion for tiny party guests.

 

Photo Booth Props - Simba, Nala and Pumba headpiece and tail

 

Birthday Boy Lion Cub outfit

 

One cookies

What I learned my first year as a mom

You can read all the books and blogs in the world but nothing can really prepare you for motherhood.  Everyone will give you advice and tips but you will soon realise that what works for one mom and baby doesn't necessarily work for all.  You just have to figure it out for yourself and learn as you go. Here's the main things I learned after one year of motherhood.

1. I love you husband but right now I just want to punch you in the face

I've heard women say "having a baby is such a magical bonding experience, we've honestly never felt closer as a couple" Well I call bullshit. Having a baby is hard on a marriage. In the beginning its all baby all the time. I missed husband so much those first few months which sounds ridiculous because he was right there next to me on the couch, in the car, lying next to me in bed.  But I was so focused on the baby, I only looked at the baby, I only spoke about the baby that he might as well not have been there at all. I didn't even ask him how his day was when he came home from work. It just didn't seem important at the time. We also went from a couple who never had fights to one that did constantly. Who's day was the hardest, who was more tired, who's turn was it to get up that night, who did what wrong with the baby. It made me so miserable because this wasn't how it was suppose to be. Then I started speaking to other new moms and realised that a lot of them were experiencing the same thing.  We weren't a horrible couple for not basking in the 'bonding experience' glow. We were just normal. So if you find yourself crying in the shower wondering if you and your new baby will move back in with your parents when you and husband get a divorce, don't worry, this too shall pass. Things will return to normal.

2. Diffy up the duties

This goes hand in hand with number one, because if you get this right you might just skip most of the issues that was mentioned above. Decide who will be doing what before baby comes. Don't think it will naturally sort it self out once baby arrives. Husband must know what he will be responsible for.  Also avoid the 'if I want it done right I have to do it myself' mentally. I did that.  I wanted to do everything because I wanted it done my way. It nearly killed me. I was exhausted. I was going mental. I had zero time for myself and I was depriving husband of the 'struggle and figure it out for yourself' part of parenthood. You HAVE to share parenting duties. A very wise mom once told me: Just because you have the boobs doesn't make you right (or the better parent)

3.  No baby no opinion

Pre baby I was VERY opinionated when it came to breastfeeding. Breast is best.  Its only a few months of your life, if you love your baby you will do it. I though women who chose not to breastfeed was horrible and SO selfish.  Then I had my baby and I had to breastfeed and it was one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever had to do. For the first two weeks of breastfeeding I hated every minute of it. And suddenly I realised that unless you have actually breastfed a tiny baby you have no right to judge anyone for choosing not to. 
I remember telling my mom that I will only be able to stick it out for 2 weeks. At the end of the 2 weeks I decided I'll finish the month. Then I said lets just get to 3 month.  Eventually it all fell into place. Breastfeeding became easy.  I breastfed my baby for 7 month, until I had to go back to work.  I am so glad I stuck it out and kept going. If you are struggling with breastfeeding think short term. Take each day at a time. Don't think "Oh my word I have to do this for 6 month to a year" Think "lets just make it to the end of the week" Worked for me.

4. Wipe the tears and forget the guilt

Unless you pull a bubble boy on your baby he will probably scrape and bruise quite a few times. Especially once they start walking. The first time your baby falls and gets hurt your heart will break. The mom guilt will be terrible. BUT it is amazing how fast they bounce back.  Yesterday Ben's finger got slammed in the door and he cried like I've never seen/heard him cry before. His poor middle finger is so blue and swollen. I felt horrible. How could I let this happen to him. And yes he was terribly miserable for a bit but after a bath, bottle and some Nurofen he was back to climbing on everything and giving me,  the horrible mom who turned her back for a second and he got hurt, big hugs and sloppy kisses. You might think you are a terrible mom but to him you are everything. Little accidents are unfortunately part of growing up. Best to have a cry, get it out the system and move on.