Mothersday thoughts

So that's a wrap on my second Mothersday as a mom. We decided to take Ben to the Aquarium for the first time followed by lunch and milkshakes at the Fire and Ice hotel. I've been wanting to take Ben to the aquarium for so long and what better day than Mothersday. When we got to the very first tank with all the brightly coloured fish husband quickly ran off to the bathroom and Ben and I had a few minutes alone. As I stood there with my tiny person in my arms watching his face light up as he excitedly pointed at the pretty blue 'Dory' fish I suddenly got so emotional. For a minute I could not actually believe I am mom on Mothersday. I could not believe how much I love this tiny perfect person. I was just feeling so thankful and so very lucky.

I have a little confession. The night Ben was born and they showed him to me the first thought that popped into my head was "I can't decide if he's pretty or not" I looked at him and it wasn't a face I recognized. There was no immediate overwhelming bonding feeling. I did not experience that 'love at first sight' moment most moms talk about. My head was just so busy processing it all. After all the wait and all the "I wonder what he'll look like? Will he have your nose and my lips" conversations he was suddenly here right in front of me.

Don't get me wrong I liked him. I liked him a lot. When I held him in my arms there was wonderment and I had that butterfly's in tummy feeling. I could not stop looking at him. Was this tiny person really mine. But love? I just didn't know him well enough yet to be using that word. It was like the first bit of a very promising relationship. You know this could be something amazing, you really really like him but its just too soon to be using the word love.

And so we went home. And we got to know each other a bit better. And I became very attached to this little person. I could stare at him for hours. I wanted to be around him all the time. I missed him when he was sleeping. But love... Was this the huge crazy love everyone was talking about.... I just wasn't sure...  And then I started to stress about it. How will I know if we bonded properly. How will I know when I love him. I was just so stressed.

There was never this huge light bulb moment where I was like "Okay wow, I feel it now. Yes its definitely love"" No, it was something that just happened. I just woke up one morning and the doubt was gone.

Now its difficult for me to remember a time I did not love him. I try to think back to those first few days of  struggling to figure out my emotions and doubting my love for him but I cant because it feels like I've been loving him forever. I love him so much that sometimes I'm a little scared my heart won't be able to handle all the love. You will never really truly get the whole 'I'll take a bullet for you' thing until you become a parent. I will take a bullet, a train, a lightning bolt for him. I'll fight a lion without giving it a second though.

Loving someone that much is a little scary but also so flippin fantastic.

To my most amazing mom: Hope you had the best Mothersday. Thanks for loving me this much. Then to my Ben: Thanks for letting me kiss and hug you about a million times a day. Thanks for all the smiles that make every day so damn special. I am ridiculously excited to be your mom.

Hope you all had the best mothersday!

Big love

I have been wanting to write this post everyday since last week Tuesday the 12th of August when my gorgeous baby boy turned one, but finding the right words to describe the emotions I was feeling seemed impossible and too big a task and I just didn't have the guts to even try. But this blog is about things I love so how could I not post about  this very special day.

It's been a week filled with so many highs. Having your baby turn one is a BIG BIG deal.

Tuesday night after a day of opening gifts, going to the beach, eating an ice cream, going to the doctor, many kisses and lots of giggles I fell into bed exhausted, yet I did not want to close my eyes because then the day would be over.  I wanted Ben's first birthday to last as long as possible. For how many times to you get to celebrate your first baby turning ONE. I carefully played the day out in my mind.  I grabbed my phone and scrolled through all the photo's of the day. And then suddenly it dawned on me that a year ago at that very moment I was lying in a hospital bed praying for pain killers, disappointed that my birth plan did not go the way I wanted and too emotionally overwhelmed to fully understand what just happened. Even now a year later I still don't think I've fully processed it all. I went through the most scary 30 + minutes of my life dressed in an awkward hospital gown in a sterile room not being able to feel anything from the waist down and came out the other end a mom.

Looking at Ben now I cannot believe there was a time I sat infront of his cot in the middle of the cold wintery night crying thinking "We made a mistake. We're not ready for a baby. What do I do now" But I know that if I could go back in time I would not change a thing. I love this little person so so much. It is a love I just cannot put in to word. Its just too big. Yes being a mom is filled with frustrating moments and very little sleep.  I don't even know what having 'me time' means anymore. My skin and weight has suffered under limited care and some days I feel like I have lost a little bit of who I am, but still I would not change a thing. I have fully embraced the sticky peanut butter hands being smeared all over my clothes or the little snot nose nuzzling into my neck.  I have fully embraced not having time to put on a full face of make up or trying on outfit after outfit till I find the right one.

I am a mom. And I love it.

Early morning. Opening gifts

I see little newborns now and I cannot think that the busy, walking, dancing, clapping smiley little toddler running around my house unpacking all my cupboards started out that tiny. You will always hear moms say "They grow up so fast. I wish I could just pause time" It is so very true.  The year has just flown by and even 10 days into having a One year old boy, I still cannot believe I have a one year old boy.

Birthday boy at the beach

Birthday Dinner at Grandpa and Grandma's

Happy first birthday dear Ben. It's been a wild ride. Here's to many more adventures. You have filled our life's with purpose and we are so very thankful for you.  We love you to the moon and back.