Holidays are best!

It's the end of January (already) and 2015 is leaving us with little time to stop and smell the roses. The holidays feel like it was ages ago. That feeling of being well rested, tanned and healthy sure didn't hang around for very long.

So what did we get up to during the holidays...

December is without a doubt my favourite time of year. I love the Christmas holidays. The way everyone has a little spring in their step as they countdown the days to freedom. Christmas music, fairy lights, hot summer days spent at the beach.

To me December holidays is a time to let go and just be. My rule is no hair dryer no make up. Barefoot, no jewellery, not even my wedding ring. This year it took me a little longer to get in that carefree frame of mind as I started a new job a few weeks before the holidays and it weighed heavy on me. I really battled with my new responsibilities and workload. But I soon realised that I was ruining what was suppose to be fun times with my family stressing over something I can do nothing about. So I just let go and ended up having the best time.

We always split December holidays between the families. One year we'll do Christmas with my family and New Year at the inlaws and vice versa.

This year we had Christmas with the in laws on the West - Coast.

I use to love Christmas eve and all the excitement that came with putting on Santa hats and gathering around the tree to open presents. But there came a point where Christmas lost a bit of its magic. I started seeing Christmas the way most grown ups do. But that's the great thing about having kids, they renew your enthusiasm and appreciation for special days. I absolutely loved watching my little guy running around pointing at gifts, the tree, lights and entertaining all the guests with his antics. I loved the look on his face as Santa handed him his gifts and how he'd clap  after opening each and every gift.

 

 

Next up was Christmas number 2 and New Year with my parents in Malgas on the Breede River. We had a bit of bad weather at first but New Years day was just gorgeous sunny and hot.

 

 

How awesome is this chrissy gift.

 

We returned home on the 3rd of January and I started work on the 7th.  My motto for the year being 'just take it easy' Work is work.  I will not let myself get so incredibly stressed to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out. If its not done by the end of the work day it will have to wait till tomorrow. Family first. And so far it has made such a difference. I no longer dread going to work. I no longer feel like I'm drowning. When I get overwhelmed by something I get up go make some coffee and remind myself its just work. So one month into the new year and things are going okay. 

 

Bye 2014, Hello 2015

'The past couple of weeks I've been reading a lot of  'My year in review' post from some of my favourite bloggers. So many amazing things got listed. This made me think about my own year...

How to describe my year? I survived.

2014 was definitely a roller coaster ride. There were many highs but unfortunately also many lows. I laughed till eye cried and then there were days where I just cried. Ben turning one was definitely a very big high. Moving into a bigger house was a high (but moving from the town we love and have lived in for over 6 years to a new area was a low). Brother getting married a high. Best friend announcing her pregnancy a high. But then turning 32 a low. Getting the phone call telling me I got the job and having to go back to work after 7 months of being with Ben all day every day; a low. Going back to work caused quite a few weeks of feeling hopeless and depressed. Tears for days. I felt incredibly trapped in circumstances I could do nothing about. Its still something I cannot deal with. In November I started a new job and so far its not going great. Its an extremely stressful  position and I am not one to deal well with stress. This job is the main cause for my lack of 2015 enthusiasm. But hopefully this will change ass I settle in.

It has also been an incredibly tough financial year. Its hard not to turn into a mean jealous and bitter person when everyone around you is spending money buying cars, houses, diamond rings and overseas holidays and you are barely making it from paycheque to paycheque. I hate how it has changed me. I've been so negative, resentful, stressed and short tempered.  But I'm also incredibly thankful for what I do have. I know if I had to choose between money and my little boy it would be the easiest decision ever. I'm incredibly lucky to have a supportive family and a husband who is working his ass off to get us out of this situation.

A while back I read a quote by Roseanne Barr "As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job" This pretty much sums up my achievements for the year. NO I didn't excel in a career. I'm no girlboss. But I did my 'job'. I kept my little person happy and healthy. And I did a damn fine job. Now I was recently told that life isn't just about kids. And for some people that might be true. But I'm 100% Mom. I eat, breathe, sleep being a Mom. Its what I live for. It makes me happy.

The hardest part

Being a parent is filled with challenges. The huge responsibility of keeping this tiny human happy and healthy can be overwhelming. The challenge of figuring out how to make the budget work after buying that bouncy chair, baby carrier or toy that every other mom told you, you simply must have. The challenge of finding time for your husband while knee deep in baby food and dirty diapers. It’s a constant juggle to try make it all work. But the biggest challenge you will ever face as a mom is dropping your baby off at daycare for the first time when all you want to do is be a stay at home mom. The guilt, the sadness, and the realization that someone else will get to experience the giggles, the sleepy smile after he wakes up from a nap, and possibly his first step or first word. This is what heartbreak is made off.

All my grown up life I’ve been searching for a job I can be passionate about. You know the kind they talk about when they say “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” I’ve had a few okay jobs, but nothing that even comes close to the one. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been the career orientated, success driven type who talk business at a braai. I just don’t have that need to climb the ‘corporate’ ladder

Staying home with baby boy was the first time I’ve ever felt like I actually dedicated my day to a worthwhile cause. For the first time ever it didn’t feel like I was wasting my time hoping 5pm would come around so I could go home and ‘live my life’. I loved not having to make small talk with grownups and fake concern for some job crisis. I absolutely adore spending my time with my little guy. 

But even though being a stay at home mom is the hardest, most stressful job you will ever do it is also the only job (except for interns) where you don’t earn a cent . And in today’s very expensive times a no paycheck job is just not acceptable. And so after 6 months of spending every single day with Ben I was forced to re-enter the work force.

The whole thing happened so fast. Husband came home and told me the PA at work was going on maternity leave in 2 weeks and they still haven’t found a temp to fill in for the 5 months she’ll be gone. I was told to apply for the position. I kept hoping, praying I wouldn’t get the job. And in between the hoping and praying I cried. Oh there was hours of ugly crying. Then I got the call to tell me my application was successful and a week later I started work feeling emotionally drained, defeated, and very trapped by my circumstances. It was a dark time. I have never been so sad in my life. The fact that I wasn’t talking to husband because I resented him for the fact that I needed to work didn’t help either.

2 months later and we’ve settled into our new routine just fine. I don’t cry anymore, work is going okay and Ben loves his daycare friends. But it still takes everything in me to walk out the daycare door every morning. That hollow feeling you have as you try to go about your day as if nothing’s wrong stays with you every single day.

But this is not a new story. This experience is not unique to me. Moms having to return to work happens every single day. But this doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. Knowing there’s so many other women walking around with this kind of pain and heartache is just the saddest thing ever.

I have 3 months left at the current job and I am hoping to then find a part time job. Part time jobs are hard to come by but I’m keeping the faith. I also have a few sideline projects I’m working on so hopefully everything works out for the best. Holding thumbs.