Slow it down.

I am currently somewhere between a quarter life crisis and a midlife crisis. In between happy and depressed. Not depressed enough to go on medication and not happy enough to caption Instagram pics with  ‘living my best life’

Ever since becoming a mom I have become extremely aware of time. How quickly it passes us by, how little of it we have. My mom recently told me I should be more positive about life because these are the best years of my life. Well that’s exactly it. I KNOW these are the best years of my life yet I feel like I’m wasting them on a ‘lets just get through this day’ mentality.  Wasting them on jobs I hate.  Wasting them at home doing the same thing over and over again because there’s no money for adventures and exploring.  I keep waiting for my life to start when it has started a long time ago. I’m living my life, this is it

And then I feel guilty. Because how dare I feel sad and miserable when I have good health, a family that loves me and the sweetest most amazing little boy who fills my every day with cheeky grins and giggles. I feel guilty because if I’m unhappy with my career I should be doing something about it. I feel guilty because my parents put so much money into my education and I feel like I’m letting them down when all I want is to make them proud. I feel guilty because I keep bitching and moaning about a holiday, this while my parents and parents in law both have amazing beach houses in gorgeous locations that we regularly visit. But my soul needs the excitement of searching holiday destinations online, booking accommodation, packing the suitcase and going to bed knowing soon you will be discovering a new place. I feel guilty for resenting my husband because he couldnt afford to spoil me with fancy jewellery when Ben was born or on my first mothersday like all the other new moms on Instagram, this while he works so hard to pay all our bills every month and make sure we have what we need.

I feel guilty because I wake up every Monday hoping the week will go by quickly so we can get to the weekend when I know I should NEVER EVER wish away time.

And then the biggest one of all: I feel guilty because the most important thing in my life is my little boy and I only get afternoons and weekends with him. And then I’m usually too exhausted to give him all of me. I'm just so scared of not having enough time with him.

I saw this on Instagram recently and it struck a cord. Sorry I cant for the life of me remember who posted it.

 

I am just so scared of someday having a broken heart because I've realised I've wasted my youth.

 

Pram envy

If you asked me a couple of years ago my thoughts on a pram I would have shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes because who cares about prams and aren't they all pretty much the same.

Even when I found out I was pregnant I wasn't still very much indifferent. Spend R10 000 on a pram? Are you nuts?

I was about 18 months pregnant when my parents invited us out to do pram shopping. I did no research before hand. My mom knew a few young moms and aske them what they have and where to shop from. Babyboom was having a sale on the brand that my mom was told is a good option so what better time to shop. We only looked at the one pram. Since my parents were buying I didn't feel like I was entitled to boss them around from store to store looking at a million different types. I didn't want to seem like I was taking advantage of their generosity. I was just happy to tick pram from my baby shopping list, a very long list that scared the crap out of me. The suggested pram was very well priced, it looked sturdy and according to all the moms who lived on farms it handled gravel roads like a charm. Gravel roads you ask? Well at the time we were living on an estate with gravel roads snaked throughout the property. There were also vineyards nearby. We knew we wanted something that could handle afternoon walks up the hill and between the vineyards. Never did it cross my mind that I would also be doing narrow spaced shop aisles and have to cart it around in my tiny boot space.

Oh how things have changed since then.

Pram envy is a very real emotion. Its right up there with body envy and vacation envy. And I've got a bad case of it. I now walk around shopping malls and markets staring at moms with prams. Where I would usually notice a women's outfit I now first notice the pram, then the baby then the mom. I suspect my very obvious pram envy stare have now reached the point of complete awkwardness for all parties involved.

Although our pram does the job of carting our tiny person around just fine I do regret not looking at more options before buying.

What I want in a Pram:

• Must not be too bulky. Folds up easily without having to take the whole thing apart.
• Sleek & modern design.
• Must be rear and front facing (something our current pram is not)
• Have a cupholder for mom's coffee/drink.
• Easily adapts to every age, newborn to toddler

The wishlist:

The Bugaboo Chameleon

I've only heard good things about this one from fellow moms. But it is WAY out of my budget. I've been trolling Gumtree for a while now and there are some pretty sweet deals on there.

List of awesomeness includes: Reversible seat, adjustable suspension, car seat compatible, reversible height and adjustable handlebars, rotating carry handle, independent seat and bassinet, can handle rough terrain and shopping malls with easy maneuverability.

pic credit

And even though I have a boy how can you not fall in love with this pink one.

Pic credit

Bugaboo Buffalo

I noticed a mom walking around with a Buffalo at the recent Kamers Vol Geskenke and immediately fell in love. Definitely my second choice although I have heard that it is rather bulky and difficult to fit in the boot of a small car.

Read more on their website here

So I'm dead set on saving a little money each month and then getting a well looked after second hand Bugaboo. Probably the Chameleon. Wish me luck.