Slow it down.

I am currently somewhere between a quarter life crisis and a midlife crisis. In between happy and depressed. Not depressed enough to go on medication and not happy enough to caption Instagram pics with  ‘living my best life’

Ever since becoming a mom I have become extremely aware of time. How quickly it passes us by, how little of it we have. My mom recently told me I should be more positive about life because these are the best years of my life. Well that’s exactly it. I KNOW these are the best years of my life yet I feel like I’m wasting them on a ‘lets just get through this day’ mentality.  Wasting them on jobs I hate.  Wasting them at home doing the same thing over and over again because there’s no money for adventures and exploring.  I keep waiting for my life to start when it has started a long time ago. I’m living my life, this is it

And then I feel guilty. Because how dare I feel sad and miserable when I have good health, a family that loves me and the sweetest most amazing little boy who fills my every day with cheeky grins and giggles. I feel guilty because if I’m unhappy with my career I should be doing something about it. I feel guilty because my parents put so much money into my education and I feel like I’m letting them down when all I want is to make them proud. I feel guilty because I keep bitching and moaning about a holiday, this while my parents and parents in law both have amazing beach houses in gorgeous locations that we regularly visit. But my soul needs the excitement of searching holiday destinations online, booking accommodation, packing the suitcase and going to bed knowing soon you will be discovering a new place. I feel guilty for resenting my husband because he couldnt afford to spoil me with fancy jewellery when Ben was born or on my first mothersday like all the other new moms on Instagram, this while he works so hard to pay all our bills every month and make sure we have what we need.

I feel guilty because I wake up every Monday hoping the week will go by quickly so we can get to the weekend when I know I should NEVER EVER wish away time.

And then the biggest one of all: I feel guilty because the most important thing in my life is my little boy and I only get afternoons and weekends with him. And then I’m usually too exhausted to give him all of me. I'm just so scared of not having enough time with him.

I saw this on Instagram recently and it struck a cord. Sorry I cant for the life of me remember who posted it.

 

I am just so scared of someday having a broken heart because I've realised I've wasted my youth.

 

Pram envy

If you asked me a couple of years ago my thoughts on a pram I would have shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes because who cares about prams and aren't they all pretty much the same.

Even when I found out I was pregnant I wasn't still very much indifferent. Spend R10 000 on a pram? Are you nuts?

I was about 18 months pregnant when my parents invited us out to do pram shopping. I did no research before hand. My mom knew a few young moms and aske them what they have and where to shop from. Babyboom was having a sale on the brand that my mom was told is a good option so what better time to shop. We only looked at the one pram. Since my parents were buying I didn't feel like I was entitled to boss them around from store to store looking at a million different types. I didn't want to seem like I was taking advantage of their generosity. I was just happy to tick pram from my baby shopping list, a very long list that scared the crap out of me. The suggested pram was very well priced, it looked sturdy and according to all the moms who lived on farms it handled gravel roads like a charm. Gravel roads you ask? Well at the time we were living on an estate with gravel roads snaked throughout the property. There were also vineyards nearby. We knew we wanted something that could handle afternoon walks up the hill and between the vineyards. Never did it cross my mind that I would also be doing narrow spaced shop aisles and have to cart it around in my tiny boot space.

Oh how things have changed since then.

Pram envy is a very real emotion. Its right up there with body envy and vacation envy. And I've got a bad case of it. I now walk around shopping malls and markets staring at moms with prams. Where I would usually notice a women's outfit I now first notice the pram, then the baby then the mom. I suspect my very obvious pram envy stare have now reached the point of complete awkwardness for all parties involved.

Although our pram does the job of carting our tiny person around just fine I do regret not looking at more options before buying.

What I want in a Pram:

• Must not be too bulky. Folds up easily without having to take the whole thing apart.
• Sleek & modern design.
• Must be rear and front facing (something our current pram is not)
• Have a cupholder for mom's coffee/drink.
• Easily adapts to every age, newborn to toddler

The wishlist:

The Bugaboo Chameleon

I've only heard good things about this one from fellow moms. But it is WAY out of my budget. I've been trolling Gumtree for a while now and there are some pretty sweet deals on there.

List of awesomeness includes: Reversible seat, adjustable suspension, car seat compatible, reversible height and adjustable handlebars, rotating carry handle, independent seat and bassinet, can handle rough terrain and shopping malls with easy maneuverability.

pic credit

And even though I have a boy how can you not fall in love with this pink one.

Pic credit

Bugaboo Buffalo

I noticed a mom walking around with a Buffalo at the recent Kamers Vol Geskenke and immediately fell in love. Definitely my second choice although I have heard that it is rather bulky and difficult to fit in the boot of a small car.

Read more on their website here

So I'm dead set on saving a little money each month and then getting a well looked after second hand Bugaboo. Probably the Chameleon. Wish me luck.

Holidays are best!

It's the end of January (already) and 2015 is leaving us with little time to stop and smell the roses. The holidays feel like it was ages ago. That feeling of being well rested, tanned and healthy sure didn't hang around for very long.

So what did we get up to during the holidays...

December is without a doubt my favourite time of year. I love the Christmas holidays. The way everyone has a little spring in their step as they countdown the days to freedom. Christmas music, fairy lights, hot summer days spent at the beach.

To me December holidays is a time to let go and just be. My rule is no hair dryer no make up. Barefoot, no jewellery, not even my wedding ring. This year it took me a little longer to get in that carefree frame of mind as I started a new job a few weeks before the holidays and it weighed heavy on me. I really battled with my new responsibilities and workload. But I soon realised that I was ruining what was suppose to be fun times with my family stressing over something I can do nothing about. So I just let go and ended up having the best time.

We always split December holidays between the families. One year we'll do Christmas with my family and New Year at the inlaws and vice versa.

This year we had Christmas with the in laws on the West - Coast.

I use to love Christmas eve and all the excitement that came with putting on Santa hats and gathering around the tree to open presents. But there came a point where Christmas lost a bit of its magic. I started seeing Christmas the way most grown ups do. But that's the great thing about having kids, they renew your enthusiasm and appreciation for special days. I absolutely loved watching my little guy running around pointing at gifts, the tree, lights and entertaining all the guests with his antics. I loved the look on his face as Santa handed him his gifts and how he'd clap  after opening each and every gift.

 

 

Next up was Christmas number 2 and New Year with my parents in Malgas on the Breede River. We had a bit of bad weather at first but New Years day was just gorgeous sunny and hot.

 

 

How awesome is this chrissy gift.

 

We returned home on the 3rd of January and I started work on the 7th.  My motto for the year being 'just take it easy' Work is work.  I will not let myself get so incredibly stressed to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out. If its not done by the end of the work day it will have to wait till tomorrow. Family first. And so far it has made such a difference. I no longer dread going to work. I no longer feel like I'm drowning. When I get overwhelmed by something I get up go make some coffee and remind myself its just work. So one month into the new year and things are going okay. 

 

Bye 2014, Hello 2015

'The past couple of weeks I've been reading a lot of  'My year in review' post from some of my favourite bloggers. So many amazing things got listed. This made me think about my own year...

How to describe my year? I survived.

2014 was definitely a roller coaster ride. There were many highs but unfortunately also many lows. I laughed till eye cried and then there were days where I just cried. Ben turning one was definitely a very big high. Moving into a bigger house was a high (but moving from the town we love and have lived in for over 6 years to a new area was a low). Brother getting married a high. Best friend announcing her pregnancy a high. But then turning 32 a low. Getting the phone call telling me I got the job and having to go back to work after 7 months of being with Ben all day every day; a low. Going back to work caused quite a few weeks of feeling hopeless and depressed. Tears for days. I felt incredibly trapped in circumstances I could do nothing about. Its still something I cannot deal with. In November I started a new job and so far its not going great. Its an extremely stressful  position and I am not one to deal well with stress. This job is the main cause for my lack of 2015 enthusiasm. But hopefully this will change ass I settle in.

It has also been an incredibly tough financial year. Its hard not to turn into a mean jealous and bitter person when everyone around you is spending money buying cars, houses, diamond rings and overseas holidays and you are barely making it from paycheque to paycheque. I hate how it has changed me. I've been so negative, resentful, stressed and short tempered.  But I'm also incredibly thankful for what I do have. I know if I had to choose between money and my little boy it would be the easiest decision ever. I'm incredibly lucky to have a supportive family and a husband who is working his ass off to get us out of this situation.

A while back I read a quote by Roseanne Barr "As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job" This pretty much sums up my achievements for the year. NO I didn't excel in a career. I'm no girlboss. But I did my 'job'. I kept my little person happy and healthy. And I did a damn fine job. Now I was recently told that life isn't just about kids. And for some people that might be true. But I'm 100% Mom. I eat, breathe, sleep being a Mom. Its what I live for. It makes me happy.